Thursday, February 01, 2007

Dear Boston, you are offically all a bunch of pussies

Here's a fairly representative comment from a Boston Globe editorial:
Perpetrators of terror hoaxes can anticipate prison sentences of up to five years if apprehended.
Note to dumbshits: This wasn't a terror hoax. It's not like they left suspicious looking packages around town. It's not like anyone phoned in a bomb threat. They were freaking lite-brites fer chrissakes! Boston is scared to death of Lite-Brites. See if you can identify what's wrong with this sentence:
But Turner's ad gimmick, undertaken in 10 cities from coast to coast, affected tens of thousands of people in the Greater Boston area. Businesses lost customers. Commuters lost time. Even more serious, first responders from local, state, and federal public safety agencies were called away from their legitimate duties.
Gee, you'd think if they had done this in ten cities coast to coast, maybe some of the other cities would have lost their shit too. But maybe those cities aren't populated and run by a bunch of freaking morons.
But it's hardly surprising if others who weren't in on the gag were suspicious. As a rule, first responders are left little choice but to assume they are facing a legitimate threat.
The amount of stupid in this editorial is really starting to hurt my brain. Let's look back in human history. How many terrorists have planted bombs around major cities and put BIG FLASHING LIGHTS ON THEM?!?! I'm no terrorist, but it would seem to me that you'd want to make your bomb inconspicuous. Let's take a quick break from simply dumb and move to something more disengenuous:
A visibly angry Menino said he would ask the Federal Communications Commission to yank TBS's broadcasting license for what he called "an outrageous act to gain publicity for their product."
Shorter Mayor Dipshit: We were exposed for being the total dumbshits that we are, and for that, someone must pay. No one exposes my complete and total idiocy to the world without paying some sort of price!

But for the ultimate in stupid, I mean we're talking the hall of fame of stupid, we have to go to our friends over at Little Green Fascists and Anchor Baby. I'm sorry, but I can't go back there for fear of becoming completely retarded.
"For those who responded to it, professionals, it had a very sinister appearance," Coakley said. "It had a battery behind it and wires."
Boston, in the future, if you're not sure if what you're looking at is a bomb, please consult Res Publica's soon to be growing reference. But if you're still not sure, here's a tip: That thing with the light up numbers on it next to your bed? It's probably a clock radio. I know it might have batteries in it and wires coming out of the back, but do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT blow it up. Do not call the authorities.

From Terror:
1. intense, sharp, overmastering fear: to be frantic with terror.
2. an instance or cause of intense fear or anxiety; quality of causing terror: to be a terror to evildoers.

It's cliche, but yep, they've won. As long as people are as stupid as they appear to be in Boston, the terrorists have won.

Here they are, rocked you like a hurricane.

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